If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
