This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
