Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I came so hard my ears popped.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
