sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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