a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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