i don't like sucking hair
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
