I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
