my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Drake has all the answers
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Randomize
