Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
