so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Randomize
