You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
