Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
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