I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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