i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Randomize
