sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize