yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.