Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Randomize
