Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Randomize
