need another drink. this is the easiest way
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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