Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Randomize
