She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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