we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
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