my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
