I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
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