The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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