if you like me you must not know who I am
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Randomize
