Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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