Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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