(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Randomize
