I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
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I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
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I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
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