I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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