You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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