You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
