omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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