Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
