I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Randomize
