His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Randomize
