Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Randomize
