I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
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