3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
You can't motorboat a personality
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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