Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Randomize
