if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
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