Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
