Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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