i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Randomize
