Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
