I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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