What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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