if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
