Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
25 Porn Addicts Admit Their Biggest Pet Peeves
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
These 23 People Walked In On Someone And Saw Some Crazy Sh*t
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD