I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
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Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
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Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.