did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
25 People Share How They Got Out Of Their Longest Dry Spell
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
21 People Confess Their Craziest Online Dating Experience
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover