I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Randomize
