Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
25 Facts Men Don’t Know About Women Until They Live Together
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
These 19 People Imagine Others When Banging Their SO
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?