i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding