I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
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