The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
