i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
