Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
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i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
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What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
soo... how was my night?
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