i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
