Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Randomize
