cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
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