Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
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