He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
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