I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
The air was thick with penises
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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