I think my vagina is haunted
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
